From Chapter Ten //
A spontaneous trip to ring in the New Year in Florida, surrounded by family, felt like the warm hug Jess needed. Her soul craved relaxing unapologetically in mismatched pajamas, eating all-you-can-eat sushi and frozen yogurt with her little cousins, and strapping on running shoes to lose herself underneath the warm Florida sun.
A few hours after landing in Fort Lauderdale and shortly after the last of the sushi rolls were eaten, Jess and her family returned to Aimee’s house. Unapologetically sipping sleepy time tea in her baggy sweatpants, Jess observed Aimee fold her way through an endless mountain of laundry.
Nicknamed the “Clorox Kid” and the oldest of twelve cousins, Aimee was a self-proclaimed neurotic cleaner and order-keeper of the family. She routinely used Windex on the inside of her car windows, notoriously bleached her toilet bowls before leaving on vacation, and used more cleaning supplies than some of the nation’s busiest hospitals. As she stood at the foot of her king-sized bed, folding a tiny pair of Wonder Woman underwear, she yelled out to her daughters.
“Girls get your pajamas on! Brush your teeth! Bedtime in ten!” Turning towards Jess, who sat cross-legged on the carpeted floor, “So, cookie, how are things?”
“I’m fine,” Jess nervously reached for a nearby sweater to fold. The unexpected pressures from work, coupled with her fallout with Erik – proved to weigh heavily on her. Topping it off, the woman in the cubicle behind her just announced her pregnancy via a sappy poster she printed and hung in the breakroom. It stung more than Jess expected.
I’m managing or I’m fine were never acceptable answers to Aimee. This family always talked things out. This family supported each other. Jess knew her lackluster response wouldn’t cut it in her cousin’s eyes, but that didn’t stop her from giving it her most valiant attempt.
Aimee shot her a quick side-eye. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”
Truth be told, she had no idea how to respond. Where the hell to begin? Do I start with the fact that I’m suddenly jealous of the woman sitting behind me for being married and pregnant? Or the fact that I feel like I’m going to combust if I eat another cold dinner over my keyboard at the office? What about the fact that I feel like I’m simply existing?
The two sat in dead silence just long enough for Jess to feel Aimee’s eyes burning a hole in the back of her head. Ultimately, Jess opened her mouth and her raw, unfiltered words poured out.
“I’m scared my chances of becoming a mom are gone,” she blurted. Having that salient sentence take precedence over the sea of thoughts swirling through her head took Jess aback.
The expression on Aimee’s face appeared to be a mix of sadness and concern. “Oh Jess,” she muttered.
“It’s been six months since the divorce,” Jess began. “I get that Chris wasn’t the guy to give me the family I wanted. And I know Greg wasn’t either. But I’m just feeling like the hope is gone. I’ve been trying to start over – whatever the hell that means – but I feel like I’m just falling flat on my face. And it’s beginning to scare me.” She tugged on her tattered pajama pantleg. The artificial smell of freshly laundered clothing consumed the bedroom. She felt a lump form in the back of her throat as tears welled in her eyes.
“I just feel lost,” she continued, in a near whisper. “Who am I, now that I’m no longer someone’s wife? Now that my dreams of becoming a mom are gone. Some days the sadness doesn’t feel so palpable. I’ll have a particularly productive day at the office, a feel-good session with Dr. Green, or laugh at a joke so hard I damn near pee my pants. But then, seemingly out of nowhere, a coworker announces her pregnancy and the sadness engulfs me. Joyous life events that I used to wish for people somehow become a reminder of the dreams I’ve lost.”
The sheer admission felt painful to Jess. She was regarded as the strong one of the family. Known to everyone as the independent, driven and successful one. She wasn’t the one to cry into a pile of girl’s Frozen underwear.
Aimee joined her on the floor.
“Come here,” she opened her arms wide. At five feet tall, Aimee was constantly mistaken for a student at her daughter’s middle school. Her petite frame and tiny hands were the smallest Jess had ever seen. “It’s going to be OK, cookie, I promise. You will find love again. And trust me, you will become a mother. If there was ever a woman deserving of bringing life into this world, it’s you. I know it feels like those dreams are in a far off, distance place right now, but life has a miraculous way of working itself out.”
It could’ve been five minutes or twenty, but there on the floor, time felt as though it stood still. As Jess finally released Aimee’s embrace to reach for a tissue, she noticed Samantha standing quietly at the doorway.
“Can I come in Mommy?” she asked in a whisper.
“Sure,” Aimee said with a smile.
Having Samantha beside her sent Jess down memory lane. She vividly recalled suggesting the name ‘Samantha’ to Aimee and Mike when they discussed baby names after Aimee announced her pregnancy. She remembered skipping high school baseball games and nights out with her friends to come read baby books to Aimee’s blossoming belly. She met her cousin at the gigantic big box store to pick out furniture for the baby’s nursery. She even spent her entire minimum wage paycheck on adorable pink outfits months before the baby came and slipping handcrafted babysitting coupons for post-baby date nights in the corresponding card.
Jess loved that little girl before she ever laid eyes on her.
And there she was, eleven years later, feeling Samantha’s little arms wrapped around her. She let the tears cascade down her already damp cheeks. In that moment, despite the overwhelming sea of sadness, Jess grasped how truly blessed she was for the first time in a long time. Her marital status faded into the background as she felt just how much love remained.
She just had to be open to receiving it.
The three women kissed one another goodnight and headed to bed. With abundant gratitude, Jess knew no matter how bumpy the road ahead may be, she always had the love of her family to keep her safe.
To buy Falling Forward, please visit https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088QWY4XR.
Jennifer Cohen is a coffee-drinking, exercise-loving author, wife, and mom. When she’s not lost in a book, she’s spending her days as a corporate marketing executive, helping craft strategies for businesses. She studied journalism and strategic media relations at The Walter Cronkite School of Journalism at Arizona State University and began her career as a speech writer for General Norman Schwarzkopf and General Alexander Haig. Falling Forward was born during her own quest for self-love and acceptance and is her debut novel. She lives with her husband and son in Rancho Mission Viejo. Connect with her on Instagram: @jenncohenwrites
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